and then its monday..

you would think that by now i should know better.

but me being me, still naively believed that people can change and since that person has apologized, it means that they are sincerely and honestly sorry and we can start afresh from there and put the past behind us and move on to being civil to each other again.

then i discovered that you are dissing me behind my back, gleefully gossiping with your band of loser friends, blissfully unaware that i was just in the next room, able to listen to every single word.

tsk. tsk.

this is why you should never gossip about people in the office, in the office.

im not affected by what you said, to be fair, some of the things that you is true.

you said "dia ingat dia tu bagus sangat " yes, i really do think im better than you.

you said "dia ingat dia tu pandai sangat" yes, this is a fact, i am smarter than you, you pitiful creature.

and the icing on the cake, "i tak faham la kenapa bosses kita sayang sgt kat dia, why is she so special and got lots of privileges? orang lain sama pangkat pun tak dpt her benefits"

let me clear this once and for all. i have been working here when there are only ten of us in the whole company. now you are employee number 213. i stayed loyal to this company when the salary was paid in cash, when it was paid in the middle of the month (now masuk gaji sejam lambat dah complain), when i worked 24 hours, get awaken repeatedly in the middle of the night to settle operational problems, when the claims are irregular and you're lucky if you get paid on time, when my direct supervisor was the President of the company, i worked hard, i worked long and i never whined and to top it all up, all, and yes, ALL, the operational procedures, communication procedures and terminal operations coordination was designed and implemented by me.

and you wonder why they love me so much.

tsk. tsk.

your poor deluded pitiful creature.

word of advice, you want to bitch about people in the office, do it outside please, walls have ears and despite you thinking that the band of loser friends is loyal to you, think again, if they can bitch about me, they certainly can bitch about you, behind your back..please, dont tell me you are so naive that these people are actually your friends? oh how i feel sorry for you.

welcome to the world of office politics.

so, how was your Monday?

when the world gives you lemons...

i am revived and excited and motivated (^_^)

its all thanks to a thoroughly stimulating three hours discussion with an extremely brilliant guy, mr noriswadi

you my dear, have inspired me so much, thank you!

i know i still have a long way to go, but my choices are there and im going take your advice and go away to someplace quiet, and weigh out my options, really sit down and think of the things that is really important to me, what i want to do and my future, either in this country or another.

to be honest, i have never thought of other possibilities other than those i grew up knowing, i was surprised and happy to discover that every choice i have is actually more than what it really is, all thanks to mr. brilliant who opened my eyes to my other options, even coming up with my future title on my future name card "Integrated Logistics Consultant", just writing it down gives me goosebumps :p i know that whatever i decided to do, its going to be more than meets the eye and the possibilities are actually endless. i only need to find the courage and wisdom to do what i have to do.

as far as dreaming big goes, it doesnt get any bigger than this.

wish me luck! (^_^)

i miss u..

because..

one look at my pale face and you know that my anemia is making me dizzy or making me suffocate and knew exactly what do to make me feel better

you patiently kutip all my hair elastics that i always dropped everywhere and when i get irritated of not to have anything to tie my hair i would always happily discover that you had found them and keep them neatly piled in one place that i can always find them again, i dont know why but this simple gesture gets to me everything single time :)

you know exactly how much i can or cannot eat and plan accordingly even though i sometimes can be extra ambitious and stubborn and insists that i can finish my food, you would quietly not order any because you know you will end up finishing mine

you simply accept and understand my fetish that i need to sleep with the windows wide open despite being freezing cold and had to snuggle up under two duvets rather then shutting the windows in the first place and just made sure that i have plenty of tissues and water by my bed for the morning sinuses attack

you know that im always afraid of my shoes or sandals being too slippery and so always wait patiently whenever i walk extra slow and extra cautious even though it will take twice as long to get where we need to go

you dont mind that i keep and loved watching reruns of friends and two pints of lager over and over again and would happily accompany me watching them too (hehe admit it, u like them too :p)

the list is endless.

i miss the person i was when im with you.

sigh.

a pleasant surprise (^_^)

im a happy happy person today!

isnt this gorgeous? hehe

and its mine, all mine! (^_^)

im lost (but im hopeful)

i have a PLAN.

yep2.

and i think this is the best that i can come up with at the moment.

awaiting the reply from mr all-the-way-in-the-uk to reply my email (hehe no pressure) and a long anticipated meeting with mr slalu-chat-but-have-never-met (heyy it ryhmes :p) this sunday which i think is going to be a highly stimulating and thorough discussion.

will update accordingly.

and no, i still cant sleep at night and yes the suffocation is still there BUT at least i now have a PLAN.

hey, life is not perfect, as such i will take whatever i can get.


footnote : im going to change the name of mr pic to mr sun, for many many reasons but one worth mentioning is that because he is one of the sunshines in my life and has never failed to make me laugh or the very least grinned at his poyo-ness. hehehe. jangan marah :p

footnote2 : thanks babes for accompanying me to watch two movies two days in a row. kungfu panda was top notch! but made of honour was too cliche kan? but both nice to watch. im back to my movies mania :p

life as i know it...

(caution, incoherent rambling ahead, please do not worry if you do not understand, i am just writing out everything i feel and feel free to filter it as you go along)

i have returned to msia for four days now and im still jet lagged (or rather miss-lagged as someone pointed out to me) funny i didnt have any trouble adjusting to the time change at all when i went to uk both times, guess your emotional and mental conditions plays an important part in dealing with jet lags.. i guess my brain just refused to change to malaysian time because it is agreeing with my heart that i do not want to be here, and that i did not want to return....

i have made some pretty, well lets just say "wrong" decisions in my life and to be fair, i have yet found one that i really truly regret making, having in the end learned from the mistakes and move on and hoping that next time, i wont be so silly.. but right now there are two decision that i really truly regret making.. one, the decision to return to malaysia after i completed my masters without spending at least a year or two there for work experiences and two, trusting the company that i work with that the career path they chose for me in the company would be the right one for me..

so now after realising that i have made an error in judgement, i still have the means to make things right but now i am faced with the dilemmas of life..

fact : i am not getting any younger, i am at the age where the society expects you to have a good decent job (which i do) in a company i am comfortable in (maybe too comfortable) and have a planned career growth and from there, eventually leads to the usual marriage-kids-family cycle that everyone expects you to be in...

so migrating to another country at this age and this late and not knowing what i will be doing and where i'll be working certainly is not part of the agenda and something that has never ever happened to anyone in my family and to be honest, i dont know if i have the courage to do so..

can i cope with living far away from family and friends and at the end the day i might would still be alone?

i mean migrating would make much more sense to my parents if i do it with a husband in line but well, i dont have that (yet) and to be honest with you, i would love love love to get married right now and if that someone wants to migrate as much as i do, great! and even if he doesnt at least i have him but as fate has it, my time has not come yet and i do not want my life to be restricted by whether i am married or not..after all, since i am miserable and lonely here, i might as well be lonely in another country but the uncertainty..is killing me :(

but i am suffocating here, to the point i actually literary have difficulty breathing in lifts, in my car that i need to have the windows rolled down, in my room as i now need a light when i sleep as i no longer able to sleep in the dark and i always have this heavy feeling in my heart of missing what used to be my life over there and i can have tears rolling down my face even without me noticing it whenever i see something that reminds me of my life there...

and to top it all up, i see my single friends in the other part of the world who are much older than me who are leading their lives not dictated by society but by what their heart feels right and i envy them. i envy them so very much.

i am tired of being lonely...

even when im surrounded by friends and family, im still lonely.

and this stupid consistent heavy feeling in my heart is refusing to go away.

i dont know what to do.

i have slept for only a total of 4 hours in the last three days, which maybe why i am so emotional.

its not fair, life shouldnt be this hard.

my last two weeks...

was a whirlwind of travelling, shopping, interviews, barbeques, hellos and goodbyes...

hectic? yes..

but well worth it (^_^)

i miss UK :(

Song of the moment....

Time of Your Life - Greenday

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

thank you

this thank you goes out to several people...

miss zaitul chantal luciana :p for surprising me with this gorgeous delivery at 10am on friday morning! even tho you are far far away u still remember! thanks ever so much babe! love u and miss u lots! here are the pictures as per requested (^_^)

it came in a gorgeous box tied up with a big bow of gold ribbons


and a card..

and when i opened it, gasp! a yummylicious looking chocolate cake!

thank you to;

my officemates especially, for buying pizza for lunch in honour of the day :) u guys must really like me then hehe

to loady and tungkai, for taking us out for tea at JCO in Pavillion :)

to saza for the manicure pedicure aromatherapy reflexology (that's a mouthful haha) afternoon at Sommerset Nails and followed by Baskin Robbins banana split after :p babes, we shud do that every month (the nails thingy not the ice cream hehe)

to hunny and olyn for the gorgeous jeweleries :p sigh...lawa sangatt (^_^) imagine the day when we are rich enough to give each other diamonds! woahaha

to huda, i still cant believe you bought 'that' for me! okay2 i wont tell anyone wat it is hehe but still wow! thanks!

in a sum, it has been a pretty quiet celebration..spent all of it with the people i cared about most in the world and that's just the way i like it :)

so, how was your weekend?

im craving for...

Cadbury Snaps - Orange

but have been promised by someone that he will bring it when he picks me up at the station on Wednesday :p hehehe best2 ade orang layan my cravings (^_^)

6 more days to go...

under normal circumstances...

i would be making plans way ahead, like usually at least a month before..the previous times includes a huge party that goes on till wee hours in the morning, the year before, a one night stay in Genting Awana in the gorgeous 3 bedrooms duplex tower suite, and there are even times it includes a trip to Kapas Island.

but this year, somehow things seems to be pretty mellow.

the bestest and the one im the most looking forward to is going to start on the 10th, 3 days after the actual day.

i do have something planned that day and i know it would be great, but somehow things are just not the same anymore.

oh well.

in case u havent figured it out yet, im talking about the 'birthday'. mine. this saturday.

i never thought i'd be the kind to get depressed the older i get.

but i guess i thought wrong.

sigh.