life as i know it...

(caution, incoherent rambling ahead, please do not worry if you do not understand, i am just writing out everything i feel and feel free to filter it as you go along)

i have returned to msia for four days now and im still jet lagged (or rather miss-lagged as someone pointed out to me) funny i didnt have any trouble adjusting to the time change at all when i went to uk both times, guess your emotional and mental conditions plays an important part in dealing with jet lags.. i guess my brain just refused to change to malaysian time because it is agreeing with my heart that i do not want to be here, and that i did not want to return....

i have made some pretty, well lets just say "wrong" decisions in my life and to be fair, i have yet found one that i really truly regret making, having in the end learned from the mistakes and move on and hoping that next time, i wont be so silly.. but right now there are two decision that i really truly regret making.. one, the decision to return to malaysia after i completed my masters without spending at least a year or two there for work experiences and two, trusting the company that i work with that the career path they chose for me in the company would be the right one for me..

so now after realising that i have made an error in judgement, i still have the means to make things right but now i am faced with the dilemmas of life..

fact : i am not getting any younger, i am at the age where the society expects you to have a good decent job (which i do) in a company i am comfortable in (maybe too comfortable) and have a planned career growth and from there, eventually leads to the usual marriage-kids-family cycle that everyone expects you to be in...

so migrating to another country at this age and this late and not knowing what i will be doing and where i'll be working certainly is not part of the agenda and something that has never ever happened to anyone in my family and to be honest, i dont know if i have the courage to do so..

can i cope with living far away from family and friends and at the end the day i might would still be alone?

i mean migrating would make much more sense to my parents if i do it with a husband in line but well, i dont have that (yet) and to be honest with you, i would love love love to get married right now and if that someone wants to migrate as much as i do, great! and even if he doesnt at least i have him but as fate has it, my time has not come yet and i do not want my life to be restricted by whether i am married or not..after all, since i am miserable and lonely here, i might as well be lonely in another country but the uncertainty..is killing me :(

but i am suffocating here, to the point i actually literary have difficulty breathing in lifts, in my car that i need to have the windows rolled down, in my room as i now need a light when i sleep as i no longer able to sleep in the dark and i always have this heavy feeling in my heart of missing what used to be my life over there and i can have tears rolling down my face even without me noticing it whenever i see something that reminds me of my life there...

and to top it all up, i see my single friends in the other part of the world who are much older than me who are leading their lives not dictated by society but by what their heart feels right and i envy them. i envy them so very much.

i am tired of being lonely...

even when im surrounded by friends and family, im still lonely.

and this stupid consistent heavy feeling in my heart is refusing to go away.

i dont know what to do.

i have slept for only a total of 4 hours in the last three days, which maybe why i am so emotional.

its not fair, life shouldnt be this hard.