Monday, December 01, 2008

confused

The wise 600 B.C.E philosopher, Lao-Tzu once said that;

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength;
loving someone deeply gives you courage."

Arrogant of me to think that how i feel about love was unique and that no one would understand..

When it comes to love and being loved, i am always at a losing end, there is always seems to be missed oppurtunities, a number of could-have-beens, things left unsaid, unfinished businesses, wrongly interpreted informations and falling for the wrong ones.

Of all the above, the one i plead guilty the most is falling in love with the wrong ones, this has the worse impact on me as i am the type of person to fall deeply and unconditionally and whole heartedly. so it goes without saying that when things just dont work out, the heartbreak is excruciatingly painful, it would hurt so much that each time i fear i would never ever recover from it. of course, the wise advices are always to never love someone whole heartedly, leave some spaces in your heart, then when it breaks, it wouldnt hurt so much, but i dont think that possible, whats the point when you only half love, half care, half miss someone? i cant even imagine how to do that, it simply does not make any sense right?

the ranges of my love life goes from falling in love with my best friend, only to miss the oppurtunity when i said what i felt a little too late and he already found someone else, falling in love at first sight with someone totally opposite of what my dream guy should be, and thus foolishly started to reject him based on that, falling in love with someone that already belonged to someone else and had to endure the sheer agony of being "just friends".. its funny how each and everytime it didnt work out, i vowed to be braver, to be open minded and to be more sincere, but each and every single time i would still take a step back and think too much into it that in the end i would just let that person slipped and pass me by, thinking that i must be the coldest person in the world.

so imagine my surprise when i "accidently" fall in love a few months ago.. accidently because this person was the last person that i have ever imagine i would be with (see, again with the "dream guy" idea) but it happened and this relationship that i am in right now, is however, the hardest and most easiest that i have ever been in. the easiest because there is simply no prentending in the relationship, no guessing games being played, we know each other very well, too well, in fact, and the easiest part of it is the fact that the friendship is as strong the relationship and the role effortlessly flows back from one to the other.

and the hardest because there is no clear future of the ending, each not knowing what to promise and what not to promise, not knowing if we can live up to expectations of the other, having the doubtful feeling that this may not end well and as such shouldnt we end it now? shouldnt we let it go now? before it goes even deeper and we ended up hurting too much? we are so scared to commit, we havent even uttered the "love" word yet, and we let that feeling and that word just hanging in the air, each not daring to say it first.

but what can you do when everything in your mind is telling you to let it go, but everything in your heart knows that this relationship is the best thing that has ever happened to you?

so this is where this post ends, i am not seeking for answers, although advices are greatly welcomed, i know there's no right or wrong answers, no one knows what the future might bring, and some i know would even advice me to "go with flow", which i personally think is the worse advice in the world, the "flow" is highly overrated and going with "it" is simply just not an option anymore, that is just the lazy way out of saying "i really dont have the time to think about you now, and so my biggest wisdom i can bestow on you is to "go with the flow", even if the flow is flowing in the direction of unhappiness and misery"...

well, i just want to say whats in my heart, and perhaps by writing out in black and white, it would clear my head and my heart of what i should do.. of things better left said or unsaid, is it better to love and lost than not to have loved at all?

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

ehh..wat happened to the "big girls dont cry" post? baru nak comment dah takde.. u okay?

take care!

-v-

niQue_naQ said...

yeah..decided it was too emotional, not a good start to the week..

Anonymous said...

aikkk..."big girls dont cry" hehhehe... tipuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...hehhehhehe...

niQue_naQ said...

oooo, kutuk i yerr, takpe2..at least i did try :p guess im not that grown up yet huhu