reality bites

A few days ago Mr Sun informed me about a mutual friend of ours who are coming back to Malaysia for her engagement and he asked if I knew anything about it.

I didn’t.

He was surprised coz he thought that me and that girl are close and assumed that she would have mentioned something. I shrugged it off saying that since I’ve been back, we haven’t contacted each other much. Not due to lack of trying, at least on my side. I tried, at least, for the first year to wish the usual birthday, eid, new year etc but getting a cold response back made me realise that the effort is wasted on someone who “clearly” does not think your friendship is worth keeping.

So I let it go.

Nothing bitter or hateful or sad about it. It’s normal. People tend to drift apart when they literally don’t need you anymore, it’s not easy to accept but that’s human nature. You can’t be best friends with everyone. But somehow Mr Sun was not quite satisfied with my answer.

So here’s the thing. My explanation.

This is something I realised when I returned from UK two years ago.

No matter how close you are to that people, once you are out of their sight, most often than not, you would be out of their minds too.

When you are together in a foreign country, you rarely have a choice on who you want to become friends with. I mean, with fellow Malaysian of course. You have the usual abundance of choices when it comes to equally foreign friends. They are, believe me, much better in keeping friendship alive because you are foreign to them too. Which is why my best friend in UK is from Peru :p but that’s another story J.

Anyway, usually the number of Malaysian in certain places are plenty like in Leeds or London and in these places, you can pick and choose who you want to hang out with. But in other smaller locations, there’s only a handful of them and they tend to be your bestest friends for the duration they or you stay there, whether you (or they) like it or not.

So for all the good times and the bad, these are your family and you would think the bond is so strong, it will forever stand the test of time and no matter which part of the world you are at, your friendship will always stay the same and live happily ever after etc etc.

Ignorantly enough, this is exactly what I thought. I’ve had several so called “best” friends when I was in UK. I thought there’s no way distance could affect our friendship. We were so close! We were the best of friends. We were soul mates. Two peas in a pod. BFF. We went through so many things together. We cried and laugh and cooked and shopped and took long road trips and were there for each other through all the ups and downs. How could this friendship not stand the test of distance? I mean after all, I went away to UK and left my besties back in Malaysia and even then we were as close as ever!

So when one by one of my “best” friends left to return to Malaysia, I continue carry on like they are still here. Calling them up or sending text messages or emails or YMs, continue the conversation, the stories and the life where it was left of.

But they are not the same person anymore. They have their families. They have their own friends. They have a new life or went back to their previous life, where you never existed. To put it simply, they have no need of the friendship which was grown out of necessity and loneliness and survival in a foreign country. Back home, you, being far far away, are easily forgotten amongst their new lives and as they pick up on their lives.

Again let me stressed, this is not a bad thing. They are not bad people. This is just human nature. So slowly, after many unreturned phone calls and unanswered emails and half hearted SMSs, you kinda know that you have to let go and move on, cos they obviously have.

In my part however, I guess I’m more gullible than most people that I really think that everything would lasts forever. And I foolishly thought that there’s something seriously off with me that people does not want to be friends with me anymore. I used cried myself to sleep thinking and analysing where did I go wrong, what did I do and was it all my fault?

Of course I grew out of this now. Took me some time but now I make efforts where efforts are appreciated and are happy and content with the small and manageable group of long AND short distance good friends.

To maintain the friendship, it has to be a two way thing and it has to be constant and it has to be sincere.

Not when you called me only to ask me to get something for you at the next Boxing Day sale.

Not when you emailed me a forwarded Happy Eid wish AFTER the first day of Eid, like an after thought on your part.

Not when the only time I hear from you is because you were not able to get through another friend/sister/boyfriend/girlfriend.

Not when I only get one message from you on New Year.

Not when you be nice just because you needed a place to stay.

Not when you ask me how I am only because you wanted to ask for my help.

See the differences? Of course this doesnt happened to everyone. Sometimes you might just be lucky enough to find an actual soul mate or a true best friend!

Ok, reading back on what ive written, it sounded more, um, sad, than I wanted it to be...But truly its not. To this day, I've always thought the bunch of Malaysians I met in Plymouth/UK was the best, most wonderful fantastic bunch of people ever! And my life there would not have been as great and as perfect without them, and I can happily confirmed that I still maintain friendship with well, almost most of them, regardless of where they are (^_^). And with those that I did not, it doesnt mean their friendship meant nothing to me while we were together, it is something I will always always treasure and something that I will always be thankful for and I'm sure they feel the same :p Maybe one day we will be great friends again, but till then.... :)

So there, that’s my two cents worth :p