im here (but im really gone)

lets take a brief look into my life for a minute, a person with the humblest amount of savings, waayyyy too much credit card debts than the average jane, no work satisfaction to speak of, have a boss with an ego the size of the moon - knowledge the size of a peanut, questionable love life, doomed to be either a complete disaster or the greatest love story of all time, a proud owner of masters degree in international logistics and bachelors degree in chemical engineering but of no usage whatsoever other than fillers in my resume...hmm need i go on?

i am not a depressed person by nature, but then again no one are but there are certain series of events in which can almost catapults a person's believes and principles in life straight into depression mode and if she/he is not careful, may be very well be stuck there for life, wallowing their misery-ness and moaning about the state of the world and the unfairness of it all..

i am rambling.

i actually started off this particular entry wanting to vent out about my work, or the lack of it, or the fact that i am now stuck doing secretarial work which equals to lots and lots of paperwork and documentation process but zero in knowledge and experience gaining area (brief venting but necessary :p) but then i realized that the main reason i am feeling so angry and restless is actually not because of the work, or the fact that my boss seems to think my qualifications is equivalent to personal assistants of the highest order (no offense to PAs out there) BUT it is because i am simply unhappy, in general.

the reason of that unhappiness may be due to several reasons.

1. the state of the country at the moment where you are not able to move, to speak and to act just because you are too young, discriminated just because you are a female in an industry filled by men and restricted by the code of conducts governed by the great society we live in

2. lack of freedom to be sick, to be emotional, to be angry, to be unhappy, to be depressed, to be quiet, to be alone, to be private, lack of respect and understanding from certain "people" to be all the above simply because it is not suppose to be in my nature, but it is okay for other people to show these emotions and you become their target and they get away with it because "they are like that". It is not natural to be happy all the time. people under estimate the healing power of a good crying or shouting out your anger or wallowing in depression and self pity for a moment or two and taking time out alone on your own, denying these basic rights to other human beings is like denying their rights to breathe.

3. suffocating due to the dirty air that i am forced to breathe every single day where your bosses and the people around you cant read the NO SMOKING sign even if it is nailed on their heads in a utterly horrible and disrespectful manner gleefully and purposely smoke nonstop in a 7 hours meeting and confined space...if i should ever get lung cancer due to the secondary smoke ive been inhaling, i will seriously sue this bloody company.

4. the fact that despite eating healthily and exercising everyday etc etc and all that crap, im still sick and my blood pressure is still dangerously at a low level and my flus and coughs never seems to really go away and after numerous health checks the doctors still cant figure out why it still persists and attributes it all to my anemia which is easy enough reason but not good enough excuse.

5. because i miss someone.

i cant believe i actually came up with five reason. i thought i'd stop at two.

damn.

this entry is so depressing.