the one with THE ex boyfriend

Warning : this is a very long and emotional entry, for a Monday morning, but for a Monday night read, it's perfect :p

an ex boyfriend send me message via friendster the other day.

not just the ordinary run-of-the-mill ex boyfriend, but THE EX-BF.

you know, the one that you did and discovered everything FIRST with, first hand holding, first hug, first huge fight and make-up, first crying your heart and eyes out while listening to Matchbox Twenty - When You're Gone, first of the many road trips, first dance, first time you "salam cium tangan" a man (other than family :p), first time someone kisses your forehead (other than family :p), first..well you get what i mean :p okay, in short, your FIRST LOVE.

i think i speak on behalf of everyone, male or female alike when i say that your first love, true or otherwise, is the one that have the most impact on you and the one that you can never ever forget.

with me and my ex, lets call him, erm F, shall we :p we had our share our a turbulence relationship, at par with the most dramatic of soap opera, a tragic love story, or so i would like to believe :p

before i get into what i felt or said when he contacted me, let me give you the short version of our relationship, this is more for me actually, as something to remember him by, since i've never wrote about him in public before :)

okay, where do i start, ermm, right, we were best friends first. which actually created the pattern for next list of exes for me, all of them, at one point of time were my best friend. hmmm..anyway, after SPM, i entered the australian matriculation programme and was aiming to further my studies in australia. F and i were classmates and it was the first time i actually had classmates who are male, having been to girls' school all my life. F was actually supposedly going for the american degree programme until he met and fell in love with one my future best friend during orientation and promptly decided to change his degree and entered ours instead.,.well he is a typical Scorpio, dark, brooding and a hopeless romantic.

after a while we all become just good friends and he became one of my bestest and dearest friends, until he started dating this senior of ours and i fell madly in love with him. perfect timing huh? to cut the story short, after some months and some tears (his and mine :p) and after a beautiful "will you be my mine?" proposal on top of the KL Tower (see! i told you he's a hopeless romantic hehe) we became a couple and i promptly changed from a fun loving happy girl, to a mood-swinging, self absorbed and over-bearing girlfriend. okay2, the change wasnt that abrupt, we had some beautiful first few months as couple. the best things that i remembered were our long walks between 10pm to 11pm, before the "curfew" at ausmat :p, i was a debater and thus was always of to debate practices and these are the only time slots that we actually meet, our fav drinks were lime juice, we always ordered the same things, erm, on rare occasions we would have breakfast or lunch together, cos even tho we are in same campus, we both had separate interests and we'd spend the weekends that i dont go home or have debate practise at either sunway pyramid or subang parade :p and my own personal fav, long walks to pkns shah alam, via the tasik especially after it rains on saturday afternoons (even back then, he understood how crazy i am (and get!) after it rains :p) and we talked and talked and laughed and talked, i have to confess, its the best feeling being in love with your best friend, cos he understood everything :) we had a pretty simple and normal couple relationship :)

after the recession in 1998, and as none of us get to fly and are stuck to continue our studies in malaysia instead. i moved to UTP, all the way in Tronoh Perak, and he stayed in KL. that's when i changed.

i was miserable in the first year i was in utp. utterly depressingly miserable and i hated myself and everyone around me, for the first time in my normal carefree teenage life, i thought the world was unfair and life itself is unfair. i studied so hard for my SPM so that i can fly to overseas, and the fact that i cant, was a devastating blow to me. and somehow, this misery i felt, i took it out on F. yes, i can admit it now, after 7 long years, i admitted that it was, for the most part, my fault for testing him again and again and again.

one part of me was soooo in love with him and i was ecstatically happy that he is mine, and the other part of me was weary and resentful on why this amazing guy would care so much for me when even i dont like me that much. i would begged for him to come and see me in utp for the weekend, and completely ignored him when he did. i would call him and send him messages non-stop because i miss him so much, and would just suddenly refuse to pick up his calls and reply his messages just to see how much he puts in the effort. i was happy one minute, then sad then jealous suddenly for no reason whatsoever and oh god, thinking back of all the things i had said to him, to test him again and again, for him to prove again and again that he loved me, no matter what i said or did.

so, yeah, that was me, 8 years ago. pretty pathetic huh?

needless to say, for reasons i cannot disclose here, two years later, we broke up and i lost my best friend forever.

although the main reasons we broke up was pretty intense, i still think my behaviour somewhat contributes a hell lot to the break up. i was immature while he was patient, i was needy even when he was giving me everything i need, i arrogantly thought i could live without him and that he loves and needs me more than i need or love him, when it wasnt even a contest to begin with. so in short, i know now, that i did, in my own selfish way, drove him away.

so anway, that was about 7 years ago.

then, about 5 years ago, he and his family moved into the empty house in front of mine. right smack in the bang in the house facing mine, our front gates a mere 6-7 meters away.

fate, or cupid or karma or whatever you wanna call it, was not quite done making havoc of our lives yet.

and what's funnier, our mothers became the best of friends (well, almost hehe) and soon enough, his family and mine, become integrated in tiny little close knit society and he witnessed all the major events of my family's life as i did his.

but amazingly enough, though we are neighbours, we were never really friends again. we flitted in and out of each other's lives, i acknowledging his present whenever i bumped him at each other's gate on our way to work, him, waving his hello and run his hand through his hair, whenever he met me at neighbourhood events (hehe even till today that gesture gives a funny litle tinkling in my heart :p) and so on and so forth.

then he moved to UK, and i moved to UK, different parts and then his family moved away from KJ and i thought that was the end of it.

and then, he said hello in my friendster.

so how did it made me feel?

after all this years, he is still the one person that can make me cry and smile at the same time.

and so even though it took me a long time for me to say this, i think its not too late and i think we are both matured enough, and because i never get to say it to him in person, here goes;

"dear F, i did love you, so much, and i am very truly sorry that you had to bear witness to my "craziness" back then, and even though maybe i didnt say it enough, i was truly grateful to have you in my life and for what its worth, those years would still remains some of the best times of my life, and i have you to thank for it, so to F, especially for you, please listen here and hope that you know that there will always be a place for you in my heart :)"

hehe, was it too intense for you guys?

i am relieved to finally let this out and it really is a good soul cleansing experience, needless to say i was highly influenced by Miss Elizabeth Gilbert below hehe

whew, so how was your Monday? (^_^)